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2010-05-07T06:27:00.000-07:00

Sunburn treatment starts with prevention. Correctly using sunscreen will help prevent burns. Make sure you know sunscreen myths versus facts when out in the sun.

Sunburns are caused by UV radiation rather than heat (ie, we get sunburns on cold, snowy days).

Sunburns destroy skin, which controls the amount of heat our bodies retain or release, holds in fluids, and protects us from infection.

Remember always, if you think a burn of any type is significant, do not hesitate to call 911 immediately.

Time Required: Up to several days

Here's How:

Get out of the sun. Staying in the sun after the burn is present will make it worse.

Look for blisters. Blistering means the skin is completely damaged and complications are likely. If the area with blisters is bigger than one entire arm or the whole abdomen, seek medical attention by calling 911 or visiting the emergency department.

Take a cool shower or bath to soothe the pain.

Apply aloe or another cooling agent. Whatever you use - DO NOT APPLY BUTTER OR OIL TO ANY BURN!

Over the counter pain relievers like ibuprofen or acetaminophen can be used for the pain of a sunburn. If stronger pain relief is needed, contact a physician or go to the emergency department.

Tips:

Burns cause swelling. Burns of the face and neck can sometimes swell enough to cause difficulty breathing. If that happens, call 911 immediately.

Burns that completely circle the hands or feet may cause such severe swelling that blood flow is restricted. If swollen or tight hands and feet become numb and tingly, blue, cold, or "fall asleep," then call 911 immediately.

While the burn is healing, wear loose natural clothing like silks or light cottons. Harsher fabrics will irritate the skin even more.

Too much sun can also cause heat illness. Learn how to recognize and treat heat exhaustion and heat stroke.

Trouble with my Girlfriend and her Ex-Boyfriend

2010-04-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

I was reading over some of your advice and the post about the couple where one was very in love and the other was still involved with her ex really struck a nerve. My girlfriend and I have been together since last July. It's been a pretty easy seven months for us. We have a lot of fun together, talk like we're best friends and respect each other a great deal.

HOWEVER, she too, has an ex boyfriend whom always gets brought up at least once in every conversation. She's usually bitching about him because he still texts, emails and calls her, but it seems like she's living in the past and isn't truly over him. They had a very on-off relationship for four years and brought out the worst in each other, so I can't figure it out.

Her Friends are in Love with Her

Another thing is that she has a lot of friends who say they're in love with her and yet she still hangs out with them (even alone at her house) like they're just regular friends. Is this normal? Should I tell her she can't?

I’ve tried to inform her many times that in order for a new relationship to work, we need to try to eliminate the things that'll make us insecure, meaning all of the past and would-be romances of her life. She says I’m more than welcome to talk and hang out with my exes, but it's clear that she's saying this so she can have a guilt-free permission slip to do the same.

We're so close in many ways, but I just don't know if I can fight for a relationship when the other person doesn't take it as serious as I do.

Feeling Left Out in Lexington

Dear Lexi,

It sounds to me like you have some concerns about whether or not your girlfriend is as serious about the relationship as you are. Let’s deal with your concerns one at a time.

First of all, you’ve only been together for seven months. That may feel like a long time, but really, you’re just getting to know one another. I don’t recommend that any couple make any kind of commitment until they’ve been together for at least a year. So, for you to be wondering if she has the same level of commitment as you do is kind of premature. These issues that you have going on are actually a blessing. How you deal with them will be very telling about how the rest of your relationship unfolds.

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What do I do about my straight friend who has feelings for me?

2010-04-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

What do I do about my straight friend who has feelings for me?

I am 20 years old and have been out of the closet since I was 13. I am an open lesbian in my small town. Recently my best friend since 6th grade informed me that she was attracted to me. I guess you’re thinking "no big deal,” however it is! She has been practicing a straight lifestyle her whole life with the exception of a couple drunken moments with me years ago. All of this is really catching me off guard. She is a great person and an ideal wife type. However I am torn about her because I don’t usually date girls that aren’t gay. Also I am scared of losing a best friend.

Small Town Lorna

There was a saying made famous on The L Word, “Most women are straight, until they’re not.” How I interpret this is that most women aren’t born with knowledge of their. That’s why we have to go through the coming out process. You say your friend is straight, but could it be that she is just coming out? Or is she? She is only 20 after all. Sure, you’ve known since you were 13, but even me, the biggest lesbian on the planet, didn’t come out until I was 19. I sure am glad my first girlfriend took a chance on this “straight” girl.

And by the way, those “drunken moments” may have been just that, drunken moments, or they may have been just the lubrication that your friend needed to explore her. Although it’s not something that I advocate, many women do have their first same experience when they are drinking because their inhibitions are down and they find the courage to do something they wouldn’t if they were sober.

Proceed with Caution

However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t proceed without caution. She is your best friend, after all and you’re about to head into uncharted territory. How I suggest you proceed to is to tell her exactly what you just said to me.

Let her know that you really like her, but you’re worried about her orientation. Give her a chance to tell you how she feels. Is she claiming to be straight, with just an attraction to you? Or is she coming out as lesbian or?

Depending on she answers, will depend on how you proceed. If she clings to the straight label, then you can probably assume that she wants nothing more than a fling with you. I can say this will probably not be good for your friendship.

However, if she is questioning her and you feel like you want to explore a relationship with her, then still proceed with caution. Even if she were already out as a lesbian, getting into a relationship with your best friend can be tricky. But, as many lesbians will tell you, this is how they came out and many of them remained with that person for many years.

Dara Melayu Molek

2010-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

Conflict is Good

Conflict in a relationship is necessary. You have to figure out an amiable way to work out your differences. And obviously the two of you have different ideas about what is and is not okay in a relationship.

Now, about her ex-boyfriend. I can understand that it’s frustrating for you to hear about him all the time. But after all, they were together for four years. It will probably take her some time to get over him. You’re right, she might not be able to make the kind of commitment you want if she is still processing what went on with them. You didn’t say how long they were broken up when the two of you got together. The truth is, she does need to process that relationship. Does she need to do it with you? No, of course not.

We all learn from our past relationships. They affect how we are in our current and future relationships. I suggest you tell her you would rather she work those issues out with someone else. Is she over him or not? I don’t know. She may not know herself. That could be what some of her processing is about. But you have to understand that you can’t rush her.

Did you get involved too soon?

Maybe the two of you got involved too soon after she broke up with him and she didn’t have time to fully get over him. Be patient, give her time, but just be clear that you don’t always want to hear about him.

You comment “We need to try to eliminate the things that'll make us insecure, meaning all of the past and would-be romances of her life” concerns me. We can’t rid ourselves of our pasts. They make up who we are. Many, if not most, of the lesbians I know are good friends with their exes. I think this is healthy. Just because they didn’t make it as lovers, doesn’t mean they can’t be friends.

A little insecurity on your part is normal. But it's not up to her to remove that for you. That is something you will have to work on for yourself. She is with you now, not her ex and not those others who have feelings for her. Trying to control her is not going to make her stay.

So, no you can’t tell her who she can and can’t hang out with. There is a fine line here between you needing to trust her and her needing to respect your feelings.

Don’t Let it Cross the Line

If friends have crushes on her, it’s not her fault. As long as she is clear with them that she is not available, doesn’t let things cross the intimacy line and is honest with you about what is going on. Hanging out with them is fine.

But, it you feel she is leading them on, that is disrespectful to you and to them. What’s really going on here is that you’re not sure you can trust her. Can you? I don’t know. And you won’t know either until something happens to betray your trust. But one thing I do know is trying to control someone is not going to make her trustworthy. It sounds like it’s time for the two of you to have a serious sit-down talk. Like I said earlier, the outcome will predict a lot, not only about this current conflict, but about your ability to deal with conflicts in the future.

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My Lost Love

2009-12-31T03:20:00.000-08:00

He was literally the boy next door. His name was Nello, a family name, and

when I was angry, I used to call him "Jell-O" just to annoy him. Home videos show us spending entire days in my parents' maroon shag-carpeted basement, playing a married couple. At 5, he was an ideal husband: tan, gorgeous, and submissive enough to be talked into almost anything. He let me decide where we'd live and the names of our children, played by a motley gang of My Little Ponies. He lived in the same row of town houses on my suburban street, easy enough to find when I wanted someone to watch my new tap routine or to help me put my mom's lipstick on our Border collie.

Our parents became best friends and spent hours on the shared front stoop watching us play. Even then, I liked the way Nello doted on his baby sister, carrying her across the stretch of front yards like a soccer trophy. He was obviously the boy I'd one day marry — never mind the fact that he was the only boy I knew.

When I was 7, though, we moved to another town. Even if I couldn't walk over and swing open his screen door anymore, I continued to know in my bones that Nello would be the guy I'd end up with. I asked him to my first "bring a date" party in junior high, his skin still tan and his smile perfect, while I was battling acne and Brillo-pad hair. At the end of the night, he hugged me and said he had a good time.

Nello was my life raft, a promise of the secure future I'd one day have. With his athletic build and mascara-commercial eyelashes, he also gave me instant cred. I brought a photo of us together to sleepaway camp and lied to my whole bunk that he was my boyfriend, which garnered a chorus of jealous "oohs." What did I care that none of the Camp Timber Ridge boys wanted to kiss me if I had a better — albeit semi-imaginary — boyfriend back home?

By the time we moved out of our parents' houses and on to college in different states, we'd lost touch, other than the annual Christmas card and photo. I dated other boys, of course, sometimes for years, but I always knew none of them was ultimately the guy for me. Nello had graduated from college in New Jersey, gotten into real estate, and was still playing soccer. Knowing that my tomorrows were secure, thanks to a future marriage I'd secretly arranged myself, made it okay to date guys who were horribly wrong for me. (The fact that Nello wasn't also counting on our impending nuptials was, to me, a technicality.) Unlike most of my friends, who went crazy with husband-hunting after college, I was happy to live abroad, to take new jobs in new cities, to not rush into my adult life because I knew I had the world's best partner waiting for me in Grown-up Town whenever I was ready.

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Melayu Bogel Di Taman

2008-12-31T03:32:00.000-08:00

When the real-estate market tanked, Nello decided to pursue his dream of living in California.

He and his sister would share an apartment together in San Diego; on the cross-country drive to their new home, they visited the Grand Canyon and the red rocks of Sedona. They got jobs waiting tables. The last I heard, he was learning how to surf.

When I went home for the holidays that year, I noticed we didn't get the usual card from Nello's family. When I asked my mom about it, she told me we needed to talk. I expected some lame drama about a falling-out she'd had with his mother, but instead she told me that Nello had died. He'd gone swimming in the ocean with a friend one night, and when the other guy couldn't find him, he assumed Nello had walked the few blocks back home. The next morning, after he didn't come home or show up for work, his sister called the police. His body wouldn't wash up for a couple of days. Since my mom said she didn't know how I'd handle the news, she'd waited to tell me in person.

I'd known Nello longer than any man in my life besides my dad, but for the past few years I hadn't really known him. What I'd held onto was an idea of him and what he represented. He was a consolation that no matter how many guys were the kind of jerks who dumped you on Valentine's Day, there was at least one guy out there like Nello: single, handsome, reliable, kind.

In the local paper store, I picked through the sympathy cards. Nothing said anything close to what I was feeling. I stood in the aisle, my throat tight. I decided on a blank one with a wispy watercolor branch that I thought his mother, a painter, might like.

Over Christmas, my family and I watched home videos of Nello and me in the old neighborhood. After about 10 minutes, I was sobbing so loudly that my mom turned off the TV, then sat back down and put her arms around me. Of course I was crying for Nello, for his lovely family, for how unfair his death was, and for how we'd all miss that sweet kid. But what I couldn't say aloud was that I was also crying for myself — a widow of sorts, adrift in this big, scary world, no life raft in sight.

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